And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10 ESV

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 NIV

I’ve been a “Christian” my whole life. I grew up in a strong Christian homeschool home with strong Christian relatives and surrounded by other Christians. My family is loving and kind, and I’ve known about Jesus since I was a baby.

But that didn’t stop me from living a life based on what I wanted. I lived almost my entire life as a lukewarm Christian. I believed, but I hardly did anything about it. I had phases where I was really into my faith, but those phases were so uncommon. I seemed great on the outside, but on the inside I had fears, struggles, and doubts.

Everything changed in the spring of 2016. Months prior, I had been going through the loss of the guy I was smitten over. A lot of complications came up with our relationship, and it didn’t work out. I was crushed.

Around that time (a little after I believe, or very close to when the relationship was officially gone) I felt led to go on a mission trip to Florida with my church, and evangelize to people on the beach. I felt like my testimony was bland and dry; I didn’t think I had much to say. I was still excited and had one of the best experiences of my life. The Holy Spirit was so active that week and He changed my life. I was on fire for Christ.

It all changed when my OCD had a major flair up. Where I was happy and joyful before, I became anxious and worried. I was very sick and life was a constant struggle. I was losing heart in many ways. For a long time my faith was still strong, but over time I found an anxiety that changed my faith again. I never lost it, but I wasn’t nearly as close to God, and that lasted for a long time. I became focused on material comforts and was always worried I’d have to lose whatever was important to me.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 1 Cor 4:16 NIV

Things changed again when one of my biggest fears became a reality. I had been dating another guy for almost six months; he was a wonderful, kind guy whom I really loved. A breakup happened, and it crushed me into a million pieces. I was sick for days and am still struggling, although it has been over a month as of when I am writing this. I understand that it wouldn’t have been the best match, but that doesn’t take away the pain and heartache I feel sometimes.

But God is so faithful. Less than a month before I went through the breakup, I was blessed with one of my desires becoming a reality. For awhile, I had wanted a fluffy pet. I moved in with my grandparents, and when they were gone, sometimes I would feel very lonely. I really wanted an ESA, and my counselor said that she thought it would be good for me. I had been searching for a dog here and there for a long time, but every door was closed. I changed my mind to a rabbit, but that door kept closing too. So did a guinea pig. And practically any pet I had dreamed of besides fish (I currently have three). I started getting fairly discouraged, and assumed it wasn’t God’s plan. I’d pick the search up again, hopeful, but it kept failing.

But the day after my birthday, my family told me about puppies they had found that were the same breed as the family dog (I am allergic to many dogs, but the Bichon frise/poodle mix is very kind to me). My family offered to pitch in with some of the costs, and that day I found myself the owner of a beautiful multicolored puppy. Her name is Mocha, and she is so loving, cuddly, and smart. She is now an official ESA.

It took a really long time, but God knew the specific puppy I needed, and He knew when I would need it.

Since the breakup, I am starting to have a renewed relationship with my Savior that I have lacked for a long time. I am at the place in my life where I have recently had the loss of a guy who meant the world to me, and last time I was here, I saw God work in my life in the most marvelous ways.

I’ve been journaling again, reading, doing devotionals with my friends, restarting my blog after a long hiatus, writing, learning more guitar, and have become very close with one of my dearest friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still aching over the loss. I loved him and it is taking a long time to get over it. I struggle with feelings of anger, resentment, and sadness. But I also have so many things to be thankful for. I know God is working backstage, planning a future for me too wonderful for me to even dream about.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I’m going to continue to trust Him, even when life gets tough.

My statement of faith:

  • I believe in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.
  • I believe in a fallen world, and a Savior who died on the cross for my sins, and the sins of whoever accepts Him as Lord.
  • Jesus became human and lived among us, filled with the Holy Spirit of God and did many miracles. He was born of a virgin. He died, and three days later rose from the grave. The Holy Spirit is my guide, and lives in my heart.
  • The Bible is The Word of God, and no other book is equal. The Bible is complete and lacks nothing.
  • Jesus is going to return one day and take the saints back with Him.